I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
