Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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