I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
