only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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