The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
