Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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