we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
