He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else