She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in