I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize