tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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