I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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