we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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