Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
