Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My feet surprised me
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
