i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
there is glitter all over my balls
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