So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
