This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize
