omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
