mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
