The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
