I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
