I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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