Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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