Sry I called you an 8
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
