Who did Billy Mays play for?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
