Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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