I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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