we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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