It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Found your dick twin last night
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
