i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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