I think I just saw someone hide a body.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
