He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
