Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
