this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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