he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
