why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
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At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
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We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on