How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Two words: blizzard sex
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with