why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I cut my penus on the lid.
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he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
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I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?