best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
