Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
This beer is not sobering me up at all
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
