pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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