I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Randomize
