I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
