My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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