Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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