I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
