I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I made him laugh his dick is mine
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
