well you can't waste a boner
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
