Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
now i know why i became what i already was.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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