apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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