good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
