my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize