Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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