My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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