so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
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