Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
