I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
