I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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