cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
