Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
