Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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