just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
