just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.