i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀