it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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