She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
