Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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